Friday, August 1, 2008

Happy August

I am glad that August is here- July is over. What a chaotic summer we've had so far. Even on my vacations I haven't felt relaxed. Can I have a vacation from the summer? I do get an afternoon to myself tomorrow, which is better than nothing. My parents are taking the girls to Georgetown and Justin is going to Winter Park to mountain bike for a bachelor party. I have my WFS meeting, lunch with a some of the women afterwards and then who knows what... Because of this upcoming freedom, I have been trying to pick up around the house today. I feel like the girls are at my heels dropping breadcrumbs- well more like My Little Ponies, Princesses and clothes...oh and hair ties, head bands and barrettes... oh my! *sigh* If I get the top of the refrigerator cleaned off and reorganized before Justin gets home I will pat myself on the back. I wanted to get to the pantry, but that doesn't look like it's happening. The girls are supposed to be folding and putting away all the clothes they got out of their dresser earlier today when they were playing "store," but I can hear them laughing and playing Yesterday they were at each other's throats. Hitting and kicking and yelling and just not getting along and then somehow I was involved- I guess because I am the Mom- and I was told to go back on vacation. I was wished out of their lives (Ava's) and honestly by 9 p.m. last night I just couldn't deal with it anymore. I was beyond the point of having a rational mind. Justin got mad at me for having such a cow.

One issue I am dealing with is Ava's pink eye. She needs 2 drops in each eye every 4 hours and you'd think we were performing surgery on her without an anesthetic. I thought her poop issues were horrific. Nah..that's a piece of cake. At least with going to the is something between her body and mind. I am just there for cheerleading and doula type purposes. The eye drops are something a trusted individual (me) is doing TO HER. But there is no choice here, it something that has to be done, or it won't go away. She says she's scared of the drops. I get that. But still after doing it 7 times already she still has issues. It doesn't hurt or anything...she has told me this. Finally, I got advice from some friends to have her close her eyes and put the drops in the corner and let it seep in. That works, but her immediate reaction is to SIT UP...therefore I don't know how much medicine is actually going in her eye. ****SIGH****

In better news, I signed Ava up, officially, for Kindergarten yesterday. And I signed up for PTA- they were giving out lollipops so the girls were happy!

One promise I've made to myself when school starts is to REALLY start writing. More here and in general. I always tell myself I am going to, but once I get on the computer I start responding to e-mails or get on a board or just plain net surfing... I never do get around to opening Word and getting words on paper (or the screen.) I am too perfectionistic that it paralyzes me from doing anything out of fear of failure. Why try when I am sure I'll fail? I am not really good at ONE thing. So why bother? I have always thought that there was something wrong with my brain. I was always so distracted or nervous or ? to be able to concentrate in a class. And even those classes I DID like and concentrate in- I still would wander in my thoughts. I'd look around at people and wonder about who they were outside of school. I never would, and I mean NEVER (unless of course part of our grade was based on class participation) would speak up in class. I am the type of person that (well used to as it's getting better) would be so fricking nervous speaking in front of a class or even a roomful of strangers- heck even a FEW strangers- that I'd end up holding my breath and thus couldn't speak very well. I am still like this to some degree, but I will say that going to my WFS meeting every week - meeting these women as strangers- and discussing what we discuss has really helped me. The point of the meetings isn't, of course, to improve my social's just become an extra added bonus. I always thought I needed to fill myself with wine, or whatever, in order to socialize. And it might have been very well true. For some reason, I just never learned how to do it without wine...sad, but true. That isn't to say that I was drunk all the, no, no...I just learned how to get out of the scary situations by either being co-dependent with someone or isolating myself. I was very good at both. But one cannot survive that way- well one can, but not very happily- plus there is no monetary compensation for it. Just bucketloads of grief. Ok so I went off a big ol' tangent or 2 there... So I am going to try and spend more time writing- I will have the time so I should use it. Not that it will lead to bigger and better things, but it's something I enjoy. Ok. Enough said by me today.

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